How to drive like less of a twat in Guernsey

Guernsey is full of tiny little roads that a small minority of people choose to drive down like utter bellends.

We’ve gathered a few tips together to help you drive in a more considerate fashion. And while we’re at it we’ve chucked in some tips for parking, cycling and walking too.

If we all follow a few simple suggestions perhaps we will all be less angry with each other?

Driving your normal sized car

Most of us drive fairly sensibly, so this is going to be a short section. A few pointers for driving normal sized cars are covered elsewhere, but for the most part: drive at a sensible speed. Just because the limit is 35 in a tiny narrow lane somewhere above Rocquaine doesn’t mean you must do 35.

Use your fucking mirrors. If you drive around with your wing mirrors folded in, you might as well be a serial killer. Yes, they are expensive to replace if knocked off, but that shouldn’t bother you if you think you don’t need them. Start using them properly before you Garanga a cyclist.

If you have to get on the pavement, slow down. You don’t need to bowl along the pavement at 35; you never know who is about to step out of a gateway and end up under your wheels do you?

If you’re turning, use your indicators. No one else is a mind-reader. You might know where you’re going but no one else does.

If you’re driving along smoking, don’t throw your fag-end out the window you absolute scruff. Use the ashtray in your car. If it doesn’t have one, you can buy nice little portable ones from the gift shop at the Little Chapel.

If you have to pull up on the right hand side of the road at night, switch your lights to “side lights”. Leaving your headlights on means you are now dazzling everyone coming towards you, and as they already have to pull out to go around you, you could have a bit of consideration couldn’t you?

If you’re driving along eating a sandwich and you finish, don’t throw the rubbish out of the window. If you do, I hope a seagull eats your mum.

If your vehicle leaks oil, get it fixed and stop leaving oil all over the road. You are causing an immense danger to cyclists and motorcyclists as well as unnecessarily polluting the water table just because you’re too lazy or tight-fisted to take your car to the garage.

If you have got HID lights, go and get them aligned properly. Blinding every oncoming road user is not clever. If lots of people are flashing at you then your lights are probably misaligned. Top tip, if your headlights are lighting the road in front of the car you’re currently behind, they need adjusting.

If you have a car with running lights, make sure you know how to turn your actual headlights on. All those people that keep nearly hitting you from behind are doing that because your back lights aren’t on. You’re invisible.

Driving your vehicle in the rain

This is a nice short one. If you’re driving in the rain and there’s a nice big fun puddle ahead, don’t drive through it if there’s a pedestrian or cyclist nearby, you cock.

Cyclists and motorcyclists need to go round corners more slowly in the rain. The road is covered in oil because dickheads don’t get their leaks fixed, and there’s slippery manhole covers all over the place. Back the fuck off. If you get right on their arse they are more likely to come off, and then you’ll be even more delayed than you already are.

Also it is highly likely that your brakes are terrible. Don’t drive like a cock. Leave more room between you and the vehicle in front, and slow down a bit eh?

Driving your big wide vehicle

There are many reasons to have a massive wide vehicle in Guernsey despite the tiny roads. Perhaps you need a truck because you are a builder. Perhaps you need an adapted van because you use a wheelchair. Perhaps you need a Range Rover with extra wide tyres because you have a tiny penis.

Whatever the reason, there are three extra rules for you.

Remember it is your fault your car is far too big. Slow down. If you’re coming towards someone and the road is too narrow to pass, you give way. Don’t just barrel towards them at 35mph and expect them to get on the pavement in time — slow down, wait for the other person to pull in.

Second, if your car is too wide to fit in a parking space, park somewhere else. Somewhere with big enough spaces. Back of Waitrose perhaps. Top tip: if you climb out of your tank and can’t see the lines on both sides of the space — you are not parked. If you have one wheel on the curb and one on the white line — you have not parked. And if you’ve used two spaces on purpose — you’re a dick.

Thirdly, your lights are higher up than everyone elses and probably burn with the intensity of a thousand suns. Remember this. When you’re driving in the dark you are probably blinding everyone, so if they flash you, maybe consider dipping your lights for just a second so they can actually see well enough to drive past you.

Driving your modified Ford Fiesta with the illegal number plate and the tow tag attached to the front

Seriously mate. Just stop driving like that. You’ll end up with blood on your hands. You know who you are. Slow the fuck down.

Riding your motorcycle

Guernsey is a fantastic place to ride a bike even though Les Gallienne is trying to stop you. Almost all motorcyclists ride in a considerate fashion, but in addition to most of the car rules you have a couple of extra points to worry about.

If you are a bit of a nervous rider in the wet, don’t ride in the wet in rush hour. Practice a bit until you are more confident, on quieter roads with less traffic about.

If you are 15 and have a dirt bike and feel the need to rev it constantly at yellow lines and red lights, you might as well just an-hero now. You’re a little piece of shit who is giving all other motorcyclists a bad name. If you have an illegal number plate, illegal L-plates, no gloves, trackie bottoms and a dubiously modified exhaust, take your bike down and park it at North Beach and then just throw the keys in the harbour and get the fucking bus.

If you “have to rev the bike at red lights to stop it cutting out” then get your bike fixed; it isn’t supposed to do that, moron.

Riding your bicycle whilst not wearing lycra

If you use your bike to transport yourself around the island — great!! Well done. You are helping save the planet AND you are getting fit at the same time. Smart *taps forehead*.

However, please for the love of Lance Armstrong, get lights and use them. You need static lights to be legal. If you must have flashing lights for extra visibility — cool, but make sure they aren’t dazzling anyone coming towards you.

Also you might feel like a twat wearing hi-viz but you’ll feel more of a twat on a rainy November evening if someone knocks you off.

Oh — and make sure you indicate AND look over your shoulder before you turn right eh?

Riding your bicycle whilst wearing lycra

In addition to the rules for actual cyclists, sadly the lycra crowd need a few reminders.

Firstly, stop spitting everywhere, you absolute grotty subhuman fucking cretin. Disgusting. Any cyclist seen spitting should be immediately thrown over their own handlebars.

If you’re all riding along slowly, and there’s a huge queue of cars behind you, you are impeding the flow of traffic. PULL OVER. Yes, you have every right to use the road, but you don’t have a right to ride in a fashion that irritates the fuck out of everyone else.

Remember also that yellow lines, red lights and filters apply to you too. 15 of you coming through a filter all together is not acceptable. Not stopping at a yellow line is not acceptable. Coming around a blind bend on the wrong side of the road is not acceptable. Saying that you couldn’t stop because your shoes were clipped in is unacceptable. If you can’t stop, don’t clip your shoes in, pretty simple right?

You aren’t special just because we can see the outline of your balls. If you want to be treated with respect by other road users, treat THEM with respect too.

Oh, and use the fucking cycle lane. And the pavement going up the Val des Terres — it’s been designated dual use just for you! So get off the road.

A few specifics

Here’s a few specific situations which would improve everyone’s lives.

If you’re on the Bridge and there aren’t any spaces, don’t sit there like a lemon. You are holding up ALL the traffic. Circle around if needed, or park by HSBC or by Quayside. Always loads of room. I know you’re starving and have to get to Hansens or the Roll Bar right now, but a few minutes won’t kill you.

If you’re heading north into the roundabout at the Bridge and there is someone waiting to turn out of the annoying car park bit by the new Co-Op — let them go. Yes, it’s your right of way, but it’s really annoying pulling out of there with a constant stream of traffic. It isn’t that driver’s fault the road layout is a mess. Be nice.

If you’re parking in a narrow one way road like Hauteville or Victoria Road, make sure your vehicle is within the lines. Turn your wheel straight. And fold in your mirror — don’t forget to fold it back out when you leave!

If you’re parking somewhere with no lines, like by Portelet Kisok, try and imagine that there are indeed lines. Don’t park in a space that could fit two cars all by yourself.

Don’t park in the loading bays in Fountain Street during rush hour, you arsehole. The times are painted on the bays for a reason.

If you’re at the town roundabout going north, don’t pull into the left lane and then sit like a lemon with your indicator on waiting to be able to pull over. Just pull off the roundabout into the right hand lane like a normal human.

If you want to park in the Albert Pier and there’s a queue back out onto the road, holding up all the traffic — don’t join it.

Oh — and this one is really important. If you are driving around just for fun — great. But don’t floor it everywhere at one in the morning. People are sleeping, and you’re a wanker.